Our Story

Hi! If you're here reading, I hope it's to learn more about Brycen and I and our hopes to adopt. It's been a long time since either of us has posted on this blog, but we thought now would be a good time to resurrect it. Our goal is to be open and inviting to any inquiries you may have. Thanks for considering us!

Our story is not unlike how other adoption-hopefuls begins - with infertility. For us, it's so far unexplained infertility and I can't say that I've completely given up hope of someday conceiving, but doctors have told us that on our own (without fertility drugs and treatments), it's a 2% chance. Not sure where they get these numbers, but they're the doctors so I guess we can trust 'em.

Did we try fertility treatments? Yep, we did! Not to get indelicate or give too much information, but we had 3 rounds of IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) several months apart that were unsuccessful. Calendaring and matching up with ovulation cycles? Check, tried it! Eventually the doctors were advising us to try IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) which is a much more invasive and costly procedure. We discussed it as an option, and prayed about it, but it never sat well with us and so we never went back in to the office to pursue it.

Instead, a few more months went by with us waiting. That's a lot of what infertility is, just waiting and hoping, disappointment settles in and then it all begins again.

Imagine our surprise when late last summer Brycen's aunt told us about a friend of hers. This friend who had a daughter who was expecting and who was very young, so the family was asking her if she knew of an interested family for adoption. She thought of us, and I was taken aback. Adoption? We had tossed the idea around, but by that point had not set it in front of ourselves for serious and careful study. "We'll talk about it and get back to you." We told her. She indicated that a decision would need to be made quickly, as the paperwork for these sorts of things can sometimes take a while, and the young daughter was already a few months along.

That drive home we wide-eyed began sorting through the shock of this sudden proposal. Could we adopt? Should we pursue it? What would it all be like? How would the birth mother feel about us? I knew another couple who were seeking to adopt and had been searching for years. It just seemed all too good to be true that this opportunity could land in our laps like this. I wanted to say 'yes' just to not lose out, even though I wasn't really sure what the implications of it all would be. Generally, Brycen and I like to study things out carefully before making decisions.

A month or two passed before we cautiously began to make connections. Brycen's aunt provided us the phone number for her friend, who then passed on the number to the birth mother, Emily*. Making that first phone call to Emily was pretty scary for me. I had my little list of questions for her, but really I was just hoping to make a good first connection. I think I was expecting that we would feel an instant comfort level around each other, and that it would just click in our minds that this was obviously the right thing for us both. 

It didn't happen that way.

Really what happened was that I was awkward and stumbling. She was reserved and formal. We made it through my list and I asked her if she had any questions for me, which she had none. 

I found my little book where I had written down my questions (yep, I really had to write them down, I was so nervous!), so I'll share a few of them here:

• What sort of contact do you want to have with the child? - A brief internet search about adoptions will bring up the important question of open/closed adoptions. In general I favor open, but that's a discussion that would undoubtedly vary depending on all parties involved.
• Tell me about the father; how involved does he want to be? 
• How has your pregnancy been so far/ how have you been feeling?

I had also brainstormed/googled a few talking points that maybe she would want to know about us:

• Age
• Religion
• Financial stability
• Health stability
• Family support
• Plans to raise the child

From what I remembered, she didn't want to know much about us, just generally she trusted that the friend was saying we were good people, so she could think so too. We had discussed when her next doctor's appointment would be, which would hopefully be the gender reveal, so we agreed to communicate then, and we hung up.

I won't go into too much detail about our other calls/texts, but that first one has just stuck in my mind. I prayed about my communication with her, wanting to say the right things and give her the comfort she needed. I felt very blessed in that regard, sometimes saying things that I just felt like God wanted to tell her.

What we hoped would be a simple gender reveal turned out to reveal much more. The fluids in the placenta were dangerously low. They were worried about the baby's size, which either the chest cavity was too small or the heart was too big. Before we knew it, Emily was hospitalized for further monitoring and it was turning out likely that this little baby boy would have a rough start. Yes, it was confirmed to be a boy.

This point was really hard as communication was sparse and every call or text from Emily or the friend gave new or contradicting news. To make matters more complicated, Emily resides in a different state than us, and so we were helplessly miles away. In the meantime we had begun paperwork for our home study and made some calls to adoption lawyers.

The only thing I’ll say about the paperwork is “Sheesh, glad that’s done.” Because it sure was a lot. I was super nervous for the home study, thinking that my home would need to be spotless for the in-home visit, but the focus was more on safety (fire alarms, carbon monoxide alarms, etc.) and comfort (was there space for a child), not on whether or not I had swept the back porch (which I had). We worked with Utah Adoption Specialists, and they’ve sure been great.

A few days had passed when we got news that surgery was imminent – the baby would be delivered by emergency C-section in an effort to halt the gradual decline in his health and give him a shot at life.

It still is surreal to think back on that phone call from our friend telling us that Emily was going into surgery in 3 hours. “Brycen! We could be parents, TODAY.” I felt instantly happily excited as we made quick plans to travel, and then a few minutes later broke down into tears of overloaded emotion. It was such a bizarre day. One minute we were calling to see, was it okay if we visited? The next we were told to turn around and drive back because he was not doing well and we would not be able to see him as soon as we hoped.

We rushed to complete the home study and that weekend crossed the last T’s and dotted the final I’s. The lawyers were in contact with the case workers at the hospital. “Just wait” we were told, “let’s see if he pulls through.”

There we were again. Just waiting and hoping, our familiar routine.

News trickled in slowly, things looked up, things looked bad, and every day was different. This is the typical NICU experience, we were told.

Emily gave him a name, a brave strong name. We loved it. We were sent a photo. We loved him. We loved her. We waited and hoped.

Tragically, he passed away after 10 days of struggle. Disappointment settled in.

I still haven’t forgotten how touched I felt that Emily invited us to come for the funeral. Her final text to me has given me a lot of comfort. “I know y’all will be great parents someday. I wish you guys the best. And thank you for everything.”

Initially we may not have had that initial connection that I hoped for, but we definitely got to a place of caring for one another, and for that I am grateful, even though things didn’t work out the way we had hoped.

And so now we wait, not losing hope that things will be different this time, that things will work out, and that we will finally be blessed to adopt.

*Name has been changed.